Diwali

So I've finally seriously started a blog. And what better day to start it than on Diwali. The day when good overcomes evil. Supposedly. Well, historically. Er, mythically anyway.

I wonder who is actually going to read this, if anyone. I wonder if I'm going to keep this is up or its just going to melt into the ignomy of oblivion like everything else I start. I guess we'll see.

So like I said, its Diwali. I have always loved Diwali, it has always been a fantastic and lovely time of year. The monsoon is over, and the air is getting chilly, and I think its something about the angle of the sun at this latitude at this time of the year that makes evenings absolutely golden. Its incredibly beautiful, and warming. Then there is the atmosphere of the festival of lights. The quaint little flame-light of diyas, the smell of things frying, and little fingers sticky with sugar from all the fattening sweets. Ah, hell with the fat. If you can't indulge during the holidays, then when can you indulge?

That being said, I think I'm starting to hate holidays. Blah. Diwali, Christmas, my favorites. And then there's New Years, Ganesh, Dussera, and birthdays. I hate birthdays. Especially my own. I hate that the most. I don't know why. I guess it is because these days are traditionally supposed to be happy, and pleasant, and altogther lovely days. But on more than one occasion, something seems to fuck up. Oh, I've had birthdays, Christmases, New Years ruined. And more. So I came to the conclusion a long time ago that these are merely days, and I should not have any expectations of anything special.

You call me a cynic.
I call me a pragamatist. If that's even a word. And no, I'm not going to look it up.

Oh feck it. Maybe I am a cynic. Maybe I'm an optimist; because every time, I can't help but get into the spirit. How heart-warming is it to see those aakash-diyas and rangoli. Who can deny winter's cold bite and the rush of the holiday season as Christmas approaches. And who can help but begin to hope for better on New Years Eve.

Sigh.

Okay, so this year, I am going to Goa, much to the consternation of my parents. However, I have to go to Goa this time, it is very important that I do. Now on the subject of Goa, I don't know what to say. I miraculously and very luckily moved to Goa from half the world over. It was a sheer stroke of brilliant fortune. My dad could have taken us anywhere in India, but we ended up in Goa. I'll admit, I didn't take a shine to it at once. Hell, I was a kid. Even moreso than I am now. But the realization dawned on me later. Slowly but surely, I was falling in love with Goa, and one day, it hit me: I loved that place. There is much detail to be gone into, but at a later time. Suffice to say that I even wanted to be buried in Goa.

But alas, such things were not meant to last. I left Goa over 5 years ago. And since then, things have changed. One day, I finally realized that I can no longer find a home in goa. It was one of the great heartbreaks of my life. I was shattered, and yet at the same time I felt nothing. I do feel a vestige of some feeling, some longing still in my blood. I still feel like I want to rush and see the beach. But I don't know. It is not only that I have grown apart from Goa, but that Goa herself has changed so much. I would sum up how I feel about it by a verse from an Audioslave song:

          "The open mouth of the city swallowed up the town

          On that same old concrete that I still walk down

          And it seems they put a shine on this place when I was young

         Well maybe I just don't see it now"

Ah, Audioslave. Why did they break up? And what nonsense is Chris Cornell upto now?

Anyway, I've had a 2 day holiday from work. Holidays now seem like godsends. Good Lord, I do need them. Not that I am overburdened at work or anything. But I needed this one specially. 

It's an exciting time. And a perplexing time. And an anxious time. Change always is. That last day of work before the long weekend felt really weird. I was on a high. I felt like I was going away for a long time. Or that I was leaving the company. I felt, in fact, like a kid on the verge of summer vacation, just counting down the minutes on the last day of school, waiting to be released. Walking out of there late in the evening, the place seemed deserted. A lot of people had already left early. And everything felt so different, so alien, like I had never been there before. The atmosphere of the flagging year had some influence on it. But also, in a way, I felt like I was not coming back. Not as the same person anyway.

No, this trip to Goa would change many things, I feel. I will find out where I stand. There will be Redemption, or there will be Finality. And why should it be a choice between these two things? Why should it have had to come down to this? Paritally, or rather mostly, it has been my fault. But fuck it, I'm a child. I mean, I could have used some guidance. But now is not the time to make excuses. And why have I set these two things before me, if I myself cannot even choose which one I shall recieve? I don't know. I guess I want all the colors of life or black and white. But I'm tired of the gray between. Oh, the way I've lived, the torrent of emotional turmoil, that's no way to live. I don't think I can do it anymore. And its all so fucking hysterical.

So this is it. I'm anxious, yet I'm calm. What the hell... I don't know what I am. But I will know in just a few days. The triumph of good over evil? We'll see. I just hope, as always, I have a lot of fun.

Hmmm... Cynic? Pragmatist? Optimist? Or........... Hedonist?